By: Brad Slager – redstate.com – April 22, 2019

Okay everyone, today is Earth Day, which means one thing: WE ARE DOOMED!

Hey, don’t scream at me, this is the consensus of the scientific community. Welllllll — in actuality, it is the consensus of the media covering the scientific community, but this is serious stuff!

As long as you don’t analyze their claims.

Beginning from the very first Earth Day in 1970 there are issues. Much of the prolix coming from that event concerned us freezing to death from the inevitable approaching ice age. Also, famine was due to wipe out billions by the end of the decade, pollution would block the sun, acid rain would kill all plant life, and we’d run out of oil…uh, 30 years ago.

Well, we listened to those campfire horror stories and took action, and just look at what happened. We ramped up our oil usage so now we are heating up the planet as we are killing people with an excess of GMO foodstuffs. We can’t win.

As most know, it is all the fashion rage to worry because ALL scientists have settled on the certainty of global warming. Uh, make that “climate change”. That’s the updated label for our impending calamity. Because one thing is certain with our environmental future: whatever they decide is going to happen the one thing they can promise is it will be disastrous!

So amidst this settled confusion I wish to help you out today, on this Birthday of the Earth! In the name of education below I will give you many of the promised disasters. Let us begin with nature, the first victim in this natural disaster.

Obviously many species are going to die off, but of those that survive it will be a far different life. To start, hedgehogs will be going bald. Yes, I know — grievous news, but you really need to pull yourself together; it is a long road ahead, and it gets far worse. Our fish will start going deaf. Also, oysters will be plagued – by herpes. (I told you, you need to worry.)

As for the remaining creatures that may survive? They will kill us.

There will be new sharks created, and they will all attack us more frequently. Crocodiles will be driven from the water to seek us out, vampire bats will become a plasma scourge, and marauding jellyfish will be hunting us down. Now, I can hear you thinking — “I’ll just avoid the ocean…and, bat environments!” Sorry.  Even benign garden creatures will take us over, be theyearthworms, or toads, or even those innocent-to-this-point slugs!

We may actually want to welcome these fatal attacks, given how our own lifestyles will become a nightmarish hellscape! Just look at our food supply. Say goodbye to guacamole. Like Italian food? Too bad, pasta is on its way out. If you like cereal in the morning it is buyer beware, because “killer cornflakes” will be arriving. And not only will the lack of snow diminish Christmas but we will lose gingerbread houses in the process!

As a society global warming means we are poised to devolve into a morass of incivility. For one, slavery is going to make a big comeback. Also, ladies – your sex lives are about to become WAY different.  The rising heat means more women will be cheating while they are on vacation. Those lasses who cannot afford to travel will surely be turning to prostitution. As for all of the remaining women, you will be victims of the rapes that are sure going to become all the rage. And identifying their assailant will become more difficult, as they will notice more of their attackers are not circumcised.

And I don’t think I am shocking anyone here, because I know everyone already assumes that we will see more witch executions as the temperatures rise.

Always Settle For More

[…]

To see the remainder of this article, click read more.

Source: Earth Day Horrors: From Killer Cereal, Deaf Fish, to Oysters with Herpes!